sometimes i just ask myself the question if its even worth it? 

to just wake up everyday and learn the same stupid shit thats going to get me nowhere, talk to the same fucking people that really could give less of a shit about me no matter how much they pretend, and to go home, do my homework, and work out in hopes ill become fit but thats not going fucking anywhere either. 

this is stupid, but some bitch decided to make a fake tumblr just to send me some hate involving the way i look in pictures, how to one likes me, and how im a stupid slut. 

its not the words that sting as much as the fact that someone hates me and wants to bitch at me enough that they took the time to make a fake tumblr to do it. 

maybe im just hated.

to be perfectly honest, there are only a few things keeping me here.

my family, two friends that actually care, and the fact that i am a teenager and i wont give in the the fact that i shouldnt be here.

i know i have some purpose, and its not that i feel worthless, its just i dont wanna be here. 

i wonder if death is fun? if its calm or just … not this.

i would never kill myself and i know that.

its just i wish i could be someone else, or even no one else. 

just not kill myself but not be me. 

i dont hate myself, i just feel trapped. 

not by anyone, just.. myself.

im just confused.

i hope this shit gets better with time. 

I have this helpless feeling.

I felt so strong and now I feel so stupid. 

The second I just wrote those words ^ I just teared for the first time in months. I’m overwhelmed by the way I feel. I feel so trapped in my own head. At first I thought I was so strong. Strong enough to tell the only guy I’ve ever loved that I deserve better. Ever since that night of him completely opening up to me, I have totally lost my mind. I check my wall every three seconds to see who has viewed my profile, every time my phone vibrates I think it’s him, and I jump up. Interestingly enough, It’s not always happy. I actually get angry when I think it’s him. I’m angry he makes me feel this way. He talks to me like he loves me one day, and the next I’m lucky if he even talks to me at all. In the back of my mind I know we’re perfect for each other, but at the same time I feel as if we could never work because he doesn’t know me. At all. I could tell you his shoe size, favorite foods, anything. But I would be a thousand dollars he doesn’t know shit about me. At this point he should at least know what bothers me. Shit like not answering my texts for a while, giving me one word answers, not talking to me like a mean anything to him. I’m just so sick of this. I want to jump on him and kiss him and kick him at the same time. Fuck. I just don’t know. It’s not even a question of courage anymore, it’s just a question of making the healthiest decision for myself. And the healthiest decision, might be the one that makes me the most unhappy. But how is that healthy? I need to make up my mind weather I should tell him to fuck off, or keep him there because I ….. you know. Anyway, it really doesn’t even matter what I say or think because he barely listens or cares. Maybe for the next few minutes after a say it, but definitely not long term thoughts. I guess I just have to wait for him to come out here, but I don’t trust him enough that he’ll actually come out here. Whatever. Maybe it’s me who’s not worth it. 

At 11 at night yesterday, my ex-boyfriend texted me telling me he wanted to marry me. I’ll skip the boring details, but bottom line I love him and I can’t help myself. At least I think I love him… Or I’ve confused the word love with some other unknown emotion. I feel so trapped and I really don’t want to go back to this place of crying and being incredibly weak again. The conversation ended with him needed to make an effort if he loved me that much. He said he would come out here on the 10th. I’m excited but I’m terrified of admitting that to myself, because I really just don’t wanna get hurt again. I feel like the friends that I am closest with have no idea how painful it is to go through something like this. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep because this was on my mind. I fucking hate him at the same time as love him. I just want this stage of my life and this feeling to end. What if he doesn’t come out here? What is he does? I just don’t know. I just don’t want to be knocked down and disappointed AGAIN. I wish I could say “I’m so done” , but then I’d just be lying to myself. 

The following are examples of why my sister pisses me off. 

1) She’s insanely judgmental. 

I understand that a little sister is someone that most older sisters don’t necessarily see as a “friend” or “companion” but more of someone that needs looking out for and strong guidance, but at some points as an older sibling (sister) you need to be aware that your “little sibling” has feelings and a life of their own, and sometimes the most needed qualities in the older sibling is the ability to understand and relate. In my sister’s case, she cannot grasp the idea that thirteen year old girls are currently wearing five inch heels. I understand if you think about it, it does seem rather ridiculous, but she should understand that it isn’t just me who decides to wear five inch heels when everyone else is wearing 1 or 2 inch… it’s everyone. It’s just the style that everyone seems to accept but her, yet at the same time she feels that it’s perfectly acceptable to buy a pair of 2 inch leopard and red plaid heels with fake diamonds and fake cold that look like they cost about three dollars. Very hypocritical and annoying. She then has the nerve to make a comment that the 25% classy Sam Edelman heels I’m considering buying are “hooker shoes” and that if she saw a girl my age wearing those shoes she would automatically assume that that girl is a whore. 

2) She’s selfish and not in any way empathic. 

As my mom proceeds to tell the family that her bestfriends mother has cancer, my sister interrupts her at the point of sharing that her friends mother has about 3 weeks at most left to live, and comments that “this is very depressing and there is no need to talk about this”. 

3) She takes advantage of my parents. 

I’m completely aware that my parents rarely see my sister, and she just starting off as a business owner, but theres a limit of what’s acceptable to ask for and expect. Ever so often, my sister will ask my parents for a loan for a certain amount of money in addition to the countless other shit they pay for. My sisters birthday was recently and a couple weeks ago she needed a $300 loan. She never offered to pay my parents back and still wanted to go shopping. My parents agreed for the shopping because they were going to count that as her birthday present. We went shoe shopping where she spent 200 dollars on shoes. After that we went to another store, where along with at least 10 clothing items, she picked up another pair of shoes. I told her that that’s a bad idea considering she just had my mom purchase an ass load of shoes. Her response was “it doesn’t matter, she never sees me.” 

4) She’s self centered. 

As my family and I decide to all see a movie together (which we rarely have the ability to do) we decided to see Hugo. It sounds stupid and childish but it was actually incredibly entertaining and capturing. The movie theater we went to was in the middle of a shopping center. About 30 minutes into the 2 hour long movie, she gets up and leaves saying she’s “going to get popcorn”. Turns out she left for the rest of the movie to continue shopping. Mind you within the last two days my parents have spent over $600 on shopping for her. My dad tried to make this weekend as fun as possible. We went out for nice dinners, went shopping almost every day, and wanted to see a movie together before my siblings went home. All my sister was focused on was spending money. Her interest of involvement with my family and I was limited. We end up waiting 20 minutes for her to finish shopping, and then we finally went home. 

Along with many other things, It just bothers me that I have someone in my life I’m supposed to be able to talk to and trust, and this same person possesses qualities that I not only dislike in a sister, but in just an average person as well. 

My 20 year old brother, and 24 year old sister are both home. My brother and I are like bestfriends, I love him tremendously and we would do anything for each other. My sister and I just don’t mix. We are two complete opposites. Considering my sister and I are eleven years apart, she left the house when I was seven, never having the ability to get a sense of who I am really am as a person. She just doesn’t know me. It would be nice if we could just have a conversation where she asks me about guys or friends and then tries to put her self in my position and be a good big sister and try to give me advice. All she does it turn the conversation on herself. Example: I tried to give her a case for her phone, so I sat on her bed as she was texting her boyfriend. She barely even acknowledges me. After about two minutes, she picks her head up from her phone, and looks and the cases, tries one of them, then goes back to texting. And the pattern continued for the next 15 minutes. Once ever 2 minutes she would share a little bit of the conversation, but any follow-up question I’d ask would barely be answered. I guess one of the reasons I love my brother so much is because he kind of plays the role as a brother, and a sister. And my sister plays almost no roll in my life whatsoever. I just wish she could be a little more interested in what’s going on in my life, and not just her own. 

(Source: sinkyourteethintothisnightmare)